Ancient wisdom of celestial dynamics

If you believe the fake pictures of Sumerian solar system maps that you can find on facebook, have I got a story for you?

Ancient wisdom of celestial dynamics has been around a lot longer than the Sumerians.

The following was told to me by the celebrated Quimbo Schmokelberg of Schmokelberg's Razor fame. His family tradition involves ceremonies that have been carried out for millennia.

Quimbo's statement:

This is the truth handed down from ancient times in the Schmokelberg family. Each night since the dawn of time we have assembled around the campfire and passed on this ancient wisdom to succeeding generations and performed the ceremony that ensures life and the universe goes on.

The men group on one side of the fire, the women on the other. They take it in turn to surge in towards the fire and chant their part of the call and response that keeps the earth turning. With each line delivered the participants progress around the fire in an anticlockwise direction, spin on the spot one revolution anticlockwise and clap their hands on the last of three beats.

The call and response is accompanied by the beating of drums, clapping of hands and the drinking of the blood of the sacrificial chicken. It starts with the women reciting the first line of the canonical scripture known as “We All Know” (the meaning of “scrog” is lost in the mists of time but is believed to be any bug that induces scratching). The men then respond and it goes like this:

We all know / Earth not flat

Sun go way / Sun come back

Chicken die / We kill good

Earth turn round / Like him should

Big lie say / Sun on string

Me no see / Such this thing

Sun like ball / Close him eye

He has go / Next one sky

Earth is ball / Spin like dog

Bite him bum / Catch him scrog

Sun try catch / Earth slip past

Round and round / Him too fast

Although the language is primitive, the accuracy of the portrayal of celestial dynamics is remarkable and undeniable. I hope this helps.

The old folk and mothers with babies and small children would sit at the back waited upon by the older children. Substitutes came next, keeping the children from the fire. Then the closest to the fire performed the ritual which was repeated 30 times for a total of 360 lines/revolutions with substitutes replacing those who got tired. The whole ceremony takes around 45 minutes and is quite strenuous. After the 30th time an additional 5 lines are performed bringing the total number of lines/revolutions up to 365.

Winter go / Spring time come

Speak the words / Beat on drum

Autumn come / Summer go

Give all thanks / Great Kwim Beau

Start one more / We all know

[Great Kwim Beau was the traditional embodiment of gravity and the namesake of Quimbo Schmokelberg]